It has been nearly a year since my last post. No book reviews, no clever memes, no updates on ongoing projects. Nothing. Silence. Maybe you wonder why. Maybe you didn’t even notice. Either way, I’m here today to talk about the void that has become my life these last eighteen or so months.

The last thing I wrote and published was Boys Don’t Cry, a new adult romance novel I released in September 2015. That novel was the last novel I finished. All other projects, save for the occasional short story, have come to a standstill. Much of the time my many ongoing projects simply stare at me when I open their files, cursor blinking in cold accusation, and the worst part is I’m not even sure why.

It feels like something strange happened to my mind, something I don’t even know how to put into words. Brain fog? Creativity parasite? That is terrifying because putting things into words has always sort of been my… well… thing. If I’m angry with you, the best way for me to express those feelings has always been to write them down. If I’m happy, my jubilance is best expressed in writing. Depression, torment, elation, excitement… it has always been my greatest joy to put such emotions to paper, just as I have always been happiest writing stories and poems. For decades, I pumped out so many words, both meaningless and meaningful. Short stories, poems, novels, essays, papers…

Now, I feel as though I have no words at all. It’s taking just about everything I have inside me to write this blog post, and I’m already judging every single word so hard I’ve considered hitting delete at least nine times since I started writing it.

Where did the words go? Why can’t I make them come out anymore? Have they abandoned me? Am I being melodramatic? Considering how much of my life revolves around words, this is a distressing turn of events, and it feels incredibly dramatic to me… especially as it’s gone on so long. The simple things don’t seem to be working at all. Just sitting down and letting the words flow doesn’t seem to work. Plotting and planning don’t seem to help. I sit down and attempt to write something every single day, but words elude me. It’s not just a matter of judging the words I’ve written, it’s an issue of no words actually getting on the screen/paper. Struggling with the order in which they should arrive sometimes when they do actually attempt to come out.

Is it some kind of mental issue? Depression? Melancholia? Late-life attention deficit disorder.

I don’t know the answer, but I feel like I’m drowning. I feel like… a monster, or rather a ghost of who I used to be when words made sense.

5 thoughts on “I’m a Monster

  1. Sara Neukirchner

    Far be it from me to give out unsolicited advice…. wait I’m going to do it anyway. 1) I totally noticed you were gone I just wasn’t sure how to ask where you went. 2) You *sound* depressed. If you aren’t already seeing a counselor, I totally recommend it…. its good to just talk it through out loud to someone objective. Whenever I do this, I generally walk away feeling like I’ve set aside the bullshit running my thoughts and I often have motivation to start or tackle what I need to do. 3) Write. Just write. Put a calendar entry in every day for 15 minutes to just write ANYTHING. You know how this works, a grocery list, a character in your head, a diatribe about how miserable you are not writing 😉 ANYTHING. Sometimes you just need to re-establish momentum, right?

    Okay all done. Everything I’ve just said you can throw away or take what you want from it. We, your readers, support you and hope for the best for you, no matter where that takes you.

  2. Larry Hogue

    So sorry to hear that, Jenny. I second Sara’s comments. I’ve been struggling myself with trying to get a book published, while frittering away time on video games. Things are better now, and I hope they get better for you too.

  3. J.R. Murdock

    Also totally noticed you were MIA. Glad you’re back and wish I had more than comforting words. As was said, seek help. You’re not broken beyond repair. This is life and sometimes you need help getting through a rough patch. Don’t be ashamed to reach out for help.

    We’re all here for you. All you need to do is ask. (((Hugs)))

  4. Dennis

    I know what you mean, i have been there before. I work in the medical field by day, but a musician with an album and EP so far by night. I experienced an incredible bout of what i would call “writer’s block”, but looking back to last year i really think it was some kind of depression, or mid-life crisis or something. I’m only 45, but this thing was vast and ugly. I didnt pick up a guitar for 10 months. Didnt do any music whatsoever, nothing. I noticed it right away, but really couldnt do anything about it. So, i took a trip. By myself, to a far off land. At least far enough in my eyes. For a week i experienced the experience, got to know myself a little better. When i got home, i was bursting with ideas and got a little of my mojo back. Almost ready to release another album now! So, for me, the solitude and uncertainty of going away to a new place on my own, kind of hit the re-set button in a way. I think i was getting too complacent and my life was so predictable that i was losing my shadow a bit. Anyways, thanks for posting this. Hope this helps.

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